(spooky orchestral music)
(intense music)
(suspenseful music)
(baby crying)
- Clarence, they're here.
- [Clarence] I'll be there in a minute!
(car honking)
- Clarence! (baby crying)
- [Clarence] I hear ya!
(baby crying)
(car doors opening and closing)
(baby crying)
- Clarence, they're waiting!
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
(baby crying)
(suspenseful music)
(baby crying)
(woman weeping)
(baby crying louder)
(spurs clinking)
Clarence, could it be him?
- No, it's probably just those punks
who broke into Tivet's house last Halloween.
(suspenseful music)
(door slams)
(spurs clinking)
(screams)
(intense music)
What do you want?
(growling)
- [Dark Figure] I want the skull!
- I don't know where it is.
It's not here.
(intense music)
(gunshot fires)
(screaming)
(suspenseful music)
- [Dark Figure] Give me the skull.
- [Woman] No!
(gunshot fires)
- Wow.
I don't believe it.
- Oh, it's big, isn't it?
- Yep.
It's definitely not built to code.
- [Woman] How many generations of your family lived here?
- [Man] I don't know.
(soft eerie music)
- Who decorated this place?
- Wow.
Looks like something's missing.
- Great.
I thought the electricity was supposed to be on, Jesse.
- Yeah, it is.
The switch must be out.
(sighs)
- Is there a phone in here?
Great.
John Statmen, please.
- [John] Hello?
- John, hi! It's Kate.
- [John] Hey.
- Sorry I couldn't call you earlier.
The car phone doesn't work out here.
- [John] What's the house like?
- Well, it's a pit,
but Jesse's completely in love with it, of course.
(Kate and John laughing)
How'd the meeting go?
Is he interested?
No?
Great, you know, we could have had him recording
in the studio by early next month.
Well, I don't know.
We've gotta find somebody fast.
Did you go see that new band down at the Midas Club?
Yeah, they've kinda got a raw energy, don't you think?
You're absolutely right.
Hey, did you get that letter from...
- [Jesse] I don't believe it.
- [Kate] Well, they really need someone...
- [Jesse] That's my mom and dad.
(mystical music)
I was pretty cute.
(Kate chatting)
That was my grandfather.
(Kate chatting)
So he must've been my great-great-grandfather.
Jesse McLaughlin.
They named me after him.
(spurs clinking)
(suspenseful music)
(door rattling)
Oh!
(thudding)
Ooh.
(groaning)
- What on Earth where you doing?
- I couldn't sleep,
so I went downstairs to just look around.
(car honking)
(laughing and shouting)
- What is that?
- I hate when you say that...
(laughing)
- You did!
(laughing)
- But I don't do it!
(laughing)
- Oh, my God.
(laughing)
- Quit it!
- Oh, oh.
(clears throat)
♫ Da, da, da, da
♫ Happy Birthday to you
♫ Happy Birthday to you ♫
- [Jesse] Oh, hey.
You didn't have to do this.
- [Male Visitor] Sure, I did!
You're the only person I know who's ever been famous, eh?
- Hardly famous, Char.
Nobody reads this magazine.
- Oh, well, you know, I mean, I have to admit
I don't look at the pictures,
I only read it for the interviews.
- What? No you don't!
(laughing)
- Hey, look at this couch.
Nice and comfortable, huh, Lana?
(squealing)
(laughing)
(percussive music)
- Right, right, right there.
Perfect.
- Here?
- Yeah, yeah.
(loud new wave rock music)
(John talking) (loud music)
- What...?
(John talking) (loud music)
Can you hold on for just a second?
♫ I never knew till we were face to face
♫ That I'd be taken up to hyperspace
♫ It seems so strange, seems so strange
♫ I only touch you
♫ And then you move right through ♫
- Excuse me.
- Oh, hi, Kate! Hey!
Music too loud?
Didn't mean to bother you, really.
- What, what is this you're playing?
Who is this?
- [Lana] That's PuceGlitz and the Avoiders!
- "Puce Glitz"?
- Yeah, that's my stage name.
- [Kate] This is you?
- Yeah, and I'm her manager.
(laughing)
Uh, Kate, I feel compelled to tell you
we are weighing several offers from some big producers,
but to drop names would be tacky.
- But you don't have a contract yet?
I mean you haven't signed anything yet, have you?
- [Kate] Have you? - [Lana] Oh, no!
- [Lana] We don't believe in success.
- Yeah, we wanna make a lot of money
and be real famous, but no success.
- No, there's a very subtle difference, you know.
- John, I've gotta get back to you.
I think I may have found what we're looking for.
♫ Sweet sensation, ow
♫ Sweet vibration ♫
(curious music)
- Huh, they're different.
This one's got jewels in its eyes.
They're not the same skull.
- Hey, Jess, whatcha doin' there, huh?
- Come on, Charlie, give it.
It's private.
- Hey, this is cool.
Looks like it's old.
What is it?
- Come on, Charlie, give it.
- No, no, no, not until you tell me what it is.
- It's nothing.
Promise you won't laugh?
- Yeah.
(scoffs)
- You'll never believe me anyway.
- Sure, I will.
Here, okay, here, take it.
- All right, see this guy?
It's my great-great-grandfather.
He has the same name as me.
He was an outlaw in the Old West.
- I'll buy that.
- Yeah, look at this skull he's holding.
It's made completely out of raw crystal
and this guy in the background,
this is Jesse's partner Slim Razor.
- [Charlie] Uh-oh.
- [Jesse] Now, he and Jesse had a falling out over the skull
and became bitter enemies.
Slim died without ever getting the skull from Jesse.
All right, now, look at this.
You see this skull?
Now, it's different from the one here on the book, right?
I mean, this one has got jewels in the eyes.
- [Charlie] Wait, wait a minute.
- But listen to this.
Okay, um, all right.
"Legend has it that there was a second skull
"that had untold powers that could unlock the mysteries
"of the universe and bring eternal life
"to those who possessed it."
So the question is:
if this is the legendary second skull,
where is it?
- Why you askin' me?
I mean how am I supposed to know?
- Charlie, Charlie, there's an old cemetery up on the hill.
Jesse was buried there in 1916.
Now look here.
It says that when the Aztecs buried their dead,
they wrapped the bodies in several layers of cloth
and they surrounded them with their weapons and jewels.
- It was worth millions?
Was it...
a lot?
- Yeah.
- I say let's go for it.
(groaning)
(dog howling)
There's nothin' down here.
(panting)
Let's quit.
I don't care if all the money in the world is down here,
I just want some sleep.
I'm really tired.
(knocking wood)
- Charlie.
- Huh?
- We got it.
- Oh, no. No.
(groaning)
- [Jesse] Got it, Charlie?
- Yeah.
(groaning)
I give up.
I can't lift another thing up.
Please, let me die.
(eerie music)
(mystical music)
(intense music)
- Charlie.
- Jess, Jess, what?
Come on, I don't have time for this, Jess.
What's in there?
- Charlie.
(suspenseful music)
(roaring)
Help me, you idiot.
(growling)
(Charlie bellowing)
(groaning)
(shouting)
(gasping)
- Jesse!
It's me.
I'm your great-great-grandson.
- [Zombie Jesse] Huh?
- They named me after you.
My name is Jesse too.
(groaning)
(gasps)
- My great-great-grandson?
What year is it?
- I don't know.
- Now don't you mess with me, boy.
(gasps)
- 1986!
- [Charlie] October 30th. - [Jesse] October 30th, 1986!
- Well.
(chuckling)
God damn!
You know, I've been waitin' over 70 years
for some jackass to get the sense to come dig me up.
(laughing)
Thank you, boy.
(mystical music)
Well, there she is.
There's somethin' special about this old house.
Can't you feel it?
I can.
(suspenseful music)
- Hey, come on.
Let's go this way.
Where you going?
(mystical music)
- [Zombie Jesse] There.
Remember, boys, this house is a temple,
as fantastic as any pyramid or castle you'll ever see.
It don't know time or space or any of that hogwash,
but the forces of evil are always after this skull
and you gotta help me to protect it.
So don't let no one touch the dang thing, you hear?
- [Jesse] Here, you can sleep on this.
- Is this the way you treat family?
Makin' 'em hide down in the basement
like some slimy ol' lizard?
- Well, I'm sorry, I must be out of practice.
I don't have any family, sir.
- Don't call me "sir."
I ain't no politician.
Heck, I'm your great-great-grandfather.
You can call me "Gramps."
That's what your granddaddy used to call me.
- All right, Gramps.
Well, we better hit the hay.
- Yeah.
- But I'm not tired.
I don't need no sleep.
Well, let's get me cleaned up
and then we can go out on the town
and do a little high steppin'.
- I don't know if that's such a good idea.
- Why not?
There's nothin' wrong with me.
- No, there's nothin' wrong with you, but...
- Well, somethin's botherin' ya.
I can see it in your eyes.
Look, I'm just as fit as a fiddle.
I'm...
(sorrowful fiddle music)
Oh, no. Oh, no.
I'm supposed to be young again.
- Gramps, maybe you should...
- Look at me.
(sobbing)
I'm a 170-year-old fart,
a goddamn zombie.
- Well, you look really good for a 170-year-old zombie,
Gramps, really great.
- Well, I ain't gonna die if it's the last thing I do.
(sighs)
(mischievous music)
What in tarnation is it?
- Gramps, this is a 1986
Alfa Romeo Spider.
Zero to 60, 7.3 seconds.
(mischievous music)
(engine revving)
(wild bluegrass music)
Let it out slow.
There you go, real slow.
(tires squealing)
(wild bluegrass music)
- [Jesse] Charlie!
- [Gramps] Yeehaw!
(tires squealing)
(wild bluegrass music)
(sighs)
(laughing)
Look at them stars.
Woo!
You know, they were clearer back in the old days.
Sometimes they were so bright, you couldn't get to sleep.
(laughing)
- Well, you know, Gramps, it's the ozone.
I mean...
(laughs)
I mean, you know, insect repellents,
you know, under arm deodorants maybe,
just a pinch of communism,
(laughs) it's makin' the stars fade away.
- You, you're drunk.
You're drunk. (Charlie laughing)
(giggling)
- Whoa!
(laughing)
- I better drive.
(laughing)
(tires squealing)
(wild bluegrass music)
(tires squealing)
(wild bluegrass music)
(shouting and laughing)
(cackling)
(wild bluegrass music)
Oh, Charlie!
(laughing)
Charlie, I could...
Charlie?
(doorbell rings)
- Jesse, you old golf bag.
How are you?
- Uh, John, what are you doing here?
- Oh, well, your beautiful lady informed me
that she's found the Madonna of the 80's.
I thought I'd better come by and check it out.
- Hey, I thought Madonna was the Madonna of the 80's, huh?
(laughing)
- Very good.
Who's your friend, Bozo the Clown?
- No, Bozo the Death Machine.
- [Jesse] Uh, Charlie, Charlie,
this is John Statmen, Kate's boss.
He's the president of Heretic Records.
- Okay. Okay, Okay.
John Statmen. 'Course.
Hi. (laughs)
This is really a pleasure.
I'm really happy to meet you.
Charlie Coriell, manager of Puce Glitz
and the Avoiders. - [John] Kate!
- Ta da! Here she is.
- [John] Great, you have the tape?
- [Jesse] Where are you goin'?
- We're doing lunch.
John made a special trip out here to meet Lana
and listen to her demo tape.
(giggling)
See you late, Jesse.
(television music)
- Isn't this great?
They just keep comin' and comin' and comin'.
(laughing)
Where the hell they all comin' from anyhow?
(laughing)
- Heck, I broke it.
- A brewski, Gramps.
- Thank you.
I hate this doggone box.
- Hello, I like this...
- It's got all them channels.
♫ I don't wanna grow up ♫
It's got nothin' interestin' to watch.
- Well, there I was right out in the middle of Kansas
facing 500 crazy fanatics, heavily armed,
and me with only 15 soldiers.
- [Gramps] Now you take this Ronald Reagan feller.
He sure is a pansy.
He wouldn'ta lasted 10 minutes back in the old days.
- My dear young lady, there comes a time
in every soldier's life when he must stand or fall alone,
and if you knew the army, you'd understand that he--
(television clicks off)
- It wouldn't do no good to tell you how it was,
you had to be there,
and all them movies and books and crap,
they don't tell you how it really was.
It was rough.
- Well, I got a question for you.
What ever happened to Slim Razor?
- Slim Razor ain't part of my vocabulary no more, son.
We had a disagreement about who the skull belonged to.
- What did you do?
- I shot the scallywag is what I did.
Well, he took a shot at me first,
so I had to teach him a lesson,
and I left him to die in the Mojave Desert.
- And that was that?
- Yeah, that was that.
- Gramps, did you ever rob a stagecoach?
- Sure.
(laughing)
- All right.
- All the time.
(laughing)
I robbed a stagecoach once just outside of Dodge City.
Now, every day at about 5:30 (nostalgic fiddle music)
it used to come into the bank (nostalgic fiddle music)
with a bag of money that would give an elephant a hernia.
We set up on both sides of a little gorge
just outside of town and when the stagecoach
come on through, 50...
(Gramps storytelling) (nostalgic fiddle music)
And they chased me around them hills
and clean across the border into Arizona territory,
and I ridin' for about two weeks
without ever gettin' out of the saddle
tryin' to lose them fellers.
(laughing)
(nostalgic fiddle music)
There I was, holdin' them off
with just two bullets in a Winchester
and all of the sudden, I take an arrow
right through the leg, right there.
- [Charlie] Right.
- And another one just under the shoulder,
ooh, right there.
The caves were never uncovered again
and there musta been a billion dollars
in diamonds and jewels down there.
(chuckles)
Now, that's somethin' I intend to search for
just as soon as I get rejuvenated.
(muffled music playing)
- Shh.
- What?
- I hear something.
- Yeah, it sounds like music.
(music grows louder)
What time is it?
- And bring back some more beer.
(loud honky-tonk music)
- [Charlie] Hey, Mike, how's it goin'!?
- [Mike] Cool, Charlie, cool.
(loud honky-tonk music and chatter)
- [Voiceover] I'm in the business, Bozo!
- I invited some people over for Halloween.
I forgot. Sorry.
Enjoy!
Hey, Biff, how you doin'?
Hey, get over here!
(loud honky-tonk music and chatter)
- Guess who.
- Rochelle!
- Long time no see.
Oh.
(loud honky-tonk music and chatter)
- Uh, Kate...
- It's been so long since I've seen you.
- Yeah, it sure has.
- Excuse me, we need to talk about something.
(laughter and chatter)
- How long you out here for?
(energetic bluegrass music)
- Like a week. (energetic bluegrass music)
- [Gramps] Yee-haw! (laughing)
(energetic bluegrass music)
- Would you hold this trash for a minute?
- Sure.
- You look great.
- Now, I know some people down in Hollywood.
- [Jesse] Charlie! Charlie.
- What?
- Look, Gramps.
What is he doin'?
- [Charlie] It looks like he's about to score.
- [Jesse] Yeah, but how did he get up here?
- Will you relax?
It's Halloween, he blends right in.
All right, Gramps!
Go for it, pal!
(laughing)
(energetic bluegrass music)
Hey, excuse me, will ya?
Hey! (shouting)
- Isn't he great?
- Yeah, he's an old friend...
from way back.
(mystical music)
(ominous music)
(growling)
(laughing and chatting)
(intense music)
- Hey, excuse me!
- [Voiceover] What's his problem?
- Hey!
- Hey, watch it.
(growling)
(grunts) (groaning)
(groans)
(growling)
(mystical music)
(suspenseful music)
- Jesse?
- Uh-huh?
- Um, can I talk to you?
- [Jesse] Go ahead.
(suspenseful music)
- Out in back?
- Sure.
- I'll meet you there.
- Okie dokie.
(suspenseful music)
Hey.
- You better pack your ass in a suitcase
and head for Panama.
(growls)
- You jerk!
- [Jesse] Ow!
(growls)
- I knew it was Rochelle all along!
- Hey, hey, oh, no!
- [Kate] Stupid fool! - [John] Katie, honey.
- [John] Take it easy.
No, no, wait, please.
(Katie shrieking) (John mediating)
(mystical music) - [Barbarian] Ooh.
(thunder claps)
- No! Charlie, stop him!
(growling)
- Hold it!
(growling)
Stop! Stop!
(growling) (intense music)
(suspenseful music)
(slams)
(animals cooing and squawking)
(slams)
- Charlie, there's a jungle in there.
- Get you something--- (Kate hyperventilating)
- Valium! Get me Valium!
- Yeah.
(hyperventilating)
- Whiskey, get me whiskey.
I need the skull.
Without it, I'm a goner for sure.
Don't let him get away.
- Gramps, there's a jungle upstairs.
- And he took it in there.
He's from the Stone Age, kid.
You gotta stop him.
Don't worry, he's a pushover.
- Gramps, I don't think you understand.
There is a jungle!
- Jesse, in the wrong hands that skull could cause trouble.
Now go.
(suspenseful music)
- [Jesse] Charlie.
(knocking)
Charlie?
- [Charlie] Hey! (screams)
(laughing)
- Charlie, don't sneak up behind me like that.
- Well, I just happened to have this
in the truck of the car.
Never know when you're gonna need one in a pinch, huh?
(laughs)
- What is it?
- This is an Uzisemi-automatic firing weapon.
- Charlie, this is a machine gun!
- So?
- So...
so what about me?
What do I get?
- I only had the one Uzi, you know, but...
got one of these.
- What do I do with this, light cigars?
- No, you shoot people with it.
Duh.
Okay.
(clear throat)
On the count of three you're gonna kick the door open,
run in there blindly, and I'll cover you, okay?
- Guy with the big gun goes first.
- Okay.
(sighs)
Ready? - [Jesse] Yeah.
- [Jesse] One, two... - [Charlie] One, two.
- [Charlie] Just hold on, hold on.
(Uzi clacking)
Not yet.
(clears throat)
- [Jesse] One, two... - [Charlie] One, two...
- [Jesse] Three! - [Charlie] Three!
(screaming)
(gunshots firing) - Where are you at, scumbag!?
(gunshots firing) (screaming)
(animals screeching)
(suspenseful music)
(animal screeching) (gasps)
(screams)
- What are you doing!?
- [Charlie] Makin' sure you're not dreamin'.
(dramatic music)
(dinosaur roaring)
(suspenseful music)
- Charlie.
(mystical music)
Nobody's home.
What do we do?
We need a plan.
- Yeah, let's get the skull and get the hell outta here.
- Good plan.
(laughing)
(growling)
(intense music)
(growls)
(clicks)
Thanks, Charlie.
(grunts)
Ooh!
Gently, please!
(growling)
(screaming)
(growling)
- Take your best shot.
(growling)
(screaming)
(whimpering)
(laughing)
(roaring)
(screaming)
Huh?
Coward!
Come back and fight like a man!
(suspenseful music)
(mystical music)
- Where'd he go?
- He ran away with histail between his legs,
chicken shit barbarian!
(triumphant music)
- Charlie, we got it.
- All right!
- [Jesse] The skull is ours! - [Charlie] The skull is ours!
(cheering)
(roaring)
- [Jesse] Oh, no. Oh, no.
(Uzi firing)
Come back! Wait!
- [Charlie] Hey, Jess! Don't lose it!
(screeching)
- [Jesse] It's this one.
- Go on, hurry up.
(laughing)
Jess, don't worry.
If you fall, you'll die real fast.
- Thanks, Charlie.
(suspenseful music)
(animal grumbling)
(animal snarling)
(suspenseful music)
- You're doin' great, Jess!
Keep going! Ow!
(laughing)
What an idiot.
(Jesse groaning)
(screeching)
Shit.
(gasping)
- Ow!
Ow!
(screeching)
(panting)
Huh?
- Hey, Jess, lookin' good!
Wish I'd had a camera!
(laughs)
- Okay.
Nice bird.
(squawks)
Nice birdie.
(squawks)
Jeez.
(laughs)
(animal grumbling)
All right.
(squawks)
(growls)
- Come on, Jess.
(squawking)
- Let go!
(growling)
(loud squawking)
(growling)
- Jess!
(shouting)
(screeching)
Jess, you get outta there! (screeching)
Come on! Come on, Jess! (screeching)
(growling)
Jess, it's comin' back!
Kick it! Come on, get it!
Aw, come on!
(screeching) (screaming)
- [Jesse] Catch me! Catch me! (screeching)
Charlie, catch me! (screeching)
- [Charlie] I got it.
- [Jesse] Catch me! - [Charlie] I got you, Jess!
(screaming)
(crashing)
- What the hell was that?
- It sounded like a bomb.
- Why didn't you use the stairs?
- Charlie, Charlie, you all right?
(groaning)
(animal snarling)
- [Charlie] I guess it's...
(groans)
(screams)
- Jess, get him off me!
He's eatin' my leg!
He's eatin' my. (screams)
Get it off me!
Jess, it's eatin' me alive!
(groaning)
(barking)
(laughing)
(barking)
- Charlie. Charlie!
(screams)
(barking)
(screams)
- Hey, hey.
(laughs)
(barks)
Hey, Jess, can we keep him?
- Well, who's gonna take care of him, Charlie?
- I'll feed him, change his water and stuff.
(screeching)
- Charlie, help me.
(screeching)
Charlie help me!
(barking)
- Don't forget the beer.
(screeching softly)
- [Jesse] Come on. Come on.
Come on.
(grunts)
(screeching)
Get him.
(screeching)
- Hey, Jesse?
- Damn!
- Charlie, hi.
- Hi, John.
Lana.
(squawking)
- [Jesse] Easy. Easy.
Come on.
Come on, give it back.
There's nothin' to worry about.
- We heard a noise.
- Noise? (muffled screeching)
(clanging)
Oh, oh, oh. (Jesse bickering)
The really loud crashing noise.
- Yeah.
(laughing)
Yeah, pretty much that one, yeah.
- Got ya!
(screeching)
Give it.
Give it back! It's my skull! (Charlie stammering)
- In there's the kitchen.
- Yeah, yeah.
Look, we just wanna know everything's okay.
- Couldn't be better.
- Oh, really? Good, yeah.
- Nice, nice bird.
(screeching)
Okay, all right, all right, I know.
(clanging)
- Listen, I wanted to tell you before the evening got away,
you are a funny, funny guy.
And I mean that.
That is the hardest commodity
to find in our business, really.
Look at this shirt, is this great?
Is this him? - [Lana] Yeah, it's goofy.
- You know, bananas, bananas.
(screeching)
- [Jesse] Stay!
(muffled screeching)
- Where's the beer?
- What are you doin' our here?
Quick, somebody's comin'!
- Yeah, they go all the way around the back, they do.
(grunts)
(suspenseful music)
- Ah ha.
- [Jesse] Hi, John.
- Hi, buddy, what'scookin' in the kitchen?
- Nothing.
- No?
And what might be in that closet there?
- Nothing.
Well, can I see?
- John, I just told you, there's nothing in the closet.
- Well, let me see nothing in the closet.
It wouldn't happen to be
your old friend Rochelle in there, would it?
- John, what is it you are accusing me of in my own house?
- I'm not accusing you of anything.
I'm just asking a question,
but I do think Kate would like an explanation.
- You want an explanation?
All right.
All right, I'll give you an explanation.
Kate, Kate, get in here. - [Kate] What's going on here?
- [Jesse] Kate, I need to talk to you.
- Why are you yelling?
- I'm not yelling.
Now, Kate, you know that since we've got here
there's been some strange things going on in this house.
No, I, Charlie!
Char, they want an explanation, I'm gonna give 'em one.
All right, now listen.
All right, now, Charlie and I, last night,
went to the cemetery and we dug up
my great-great-grand father's grave.
'Cause we were looking for a crystal skull.
It's supposed to be magic.
Anyway, we dug it up and we got the skull,
but we also found my great-great-grandfather.
He was dead, but he's alive,
I mean he's a mummy and we brought him back
and he's been staying in the basement.
And Charlie and I've just been running
through this jungle trying to get the skull back.
And that's who's in there
for your information, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
(sighs)
- Hi, Rochelle.
What are you doing in here?
(slams)
There's been a mistake.
- Apparently.
- Uh, you don't understand.
- I understand perfectly.
- No, Kate, listen to me.
I have no idea she was doing in there.
- Well, who did you think was in there?
- A mummy!
Or maybe even a baby pterodactyl.
(smacks) Ow.
(grunts)
(smacks)
- Shame on you, Jesse.
- Look, it's a prehistoric bird!
(squawks)
Kate!
(car honking)
- Here, let me get those from you.
(huffs)
- [Charlie] Good riddance.
She's outta here.
Now we can do whatever we want,
run around in our underwear,
phony phone calls, all kinds of crazy--
- Shut up, Charlie!
Why can't you shut your mouth just once?
- Surprise!
- Gramps, where's Rochelle?
- Watch this.
- Jesse.
- [Jesse] Whoa.
- I waited so long for you.
- Uh-huh, Rochelle, it's great to see you,
but I'm having some family problems right now.
You understand?
Charlie, can you call Rochelle a cab?
- Hey, Chucky.
- Hey, don't call me Chucky, okay?
- It was very sweet of you to come.
Thanks.
(softly squawking)
Hey there, birdie.
How 'bout a little trade, huh?
'Kay?
(softly squawking)
Come on, give it to Daddy.
Come on.
- [Charlie] Whoa!
(squawking)
(cries)
I think he wants some more.
- [Charlie] I don't have any more steak.
(grunts)
(laughing)
(barking)
- Now, now, now, I know that smells good,
I know it smells good.
Daddy's gonna have it ready right away, right away.
That's a puppy.
Yep, yep, yep, I know.
I know. Daddy knows.
Daddy made the nana.
Open your mouth.
There.
(laughing)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Yep, yep.
- Gramps?
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
You got me a little upset.
- Well, I, I was just hankerin'
to play a joke on somebody and...
I'm sorry it turned out to be you.
That's enough, Bippy.
Bippy, Bippy, that's enough. (growling)
Now don't you, Bippy. (growling)
(whining)
Oh, now look, just come on out and play.
That's it. There you go.
- Um, Gramps, look, I gotta get to bed.
Do you want me to put the skull back in the fireplace?
- I'll, I'll take care of that.
(door creaking)
(mystical music)
(clinking)
(suspenseful music)
(clinking)
(gun clacking)
(suspenseful music)
(shrill barking)(gasps)
(barking) (sighs)
(laughing)
Bippy, you little rascal.
(laughing)
You scared the be jesus out of me.
(intense music)
(smacking)
(groaning) (barking)
(shouting in foreign language)
(barking)
(Bippy whining)
(barking)
(urgent barking)
- Gramps. Gramps.
(barking)
- Jesse, Jesse boy.
- [Jesse] Are you all right?
- They bushwhacked me.
It musta been 30, 40 of 'em.
They come at me from all directions.
- Charlie, get up!
Charlie, come on. Charlie.
Charlie, wake up!
Get up!
Charlie, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Oh, Jesus, Charlie, come on!
Charlie! Charlie, get up!
- Jess, this better be real important.
- Gramps lost the skull.
- He what?
- Somebody, I don't know who, stole it.
He's dying Charlie.
We gotta get it back.
- After all we did for him, he loses it!
I can't believe he did that, Jess!
I mean, I've never met anyone so irresponsible!
You know I risked my life--
- Charlie!
(doorbell ringing)
Yeah?
- Bill, Bill Towner, electrician.
- [Jesse] Uh, Jesse McLaughlin.
- Nice to meet you, Jesse.
A young lady called, said you needed some work done.
- She did, huh? Oh, wait--
- Where's the fuse box, down there in the basement?
- Uh, listen, Bill, I'm sorry to trouble you,
but this really isn't the right time.
- Hey, that's all right, Jess,
I'm not gonna get in your way.
You just show me what needs fixin'.
This is quite a room you got here.
Yeah, very, very nice.
That's a weird fireplace though.
- Yeah, uh, Bill...
- So what do we got in here?
Ah, there it is.
Freemon 240, these old houses are loaded with 'em.
So this the room you're havin' problem here with, Jess?
- Uh, yeah, all along this wall,
but the rest of the house is fine.
(glass shattering)
I wouldn't worry about that, Jesse.
It didn't look too valuable.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Just as I'd expected.
Jess, you got a problem here,
but hey, like with any problem, you know,
you don't wanna let it get the best of you.
You know, I've been workin' on these houses,
oh, about 20 years now and I've seen enough tragedy
and disaster to make you wanna up chuck in your shorts.
You see, these old houses, they just got minds of their own,
you know, and ya just gotta teach 'em who's boss.
You know, sorta give 'em a spankin'.
(glass shattering)
Huh, must be foreign made.
Well, I'm gonna fix this old house up for you, Jess,
just like it's brand spankin' new.
(buzzing and beeping)
(whirring)
- What is that?
- Shh.
(whirring)
Uh-huh.
Oh.
Ooh.
- What, what do you hear?
- Ah, Jess, Jess, Jess, Jess.
It's not good.
I've seen this before and...
it's always made my adenoids curdle.
Oh, hey, don't monkey with those switches, Jess.
It'll blow us both to Milwaukee.
It's touch and go from here, pal.
Could go either way, Jess.
Oh, yeah, yeah, Jess,
want to step into my office here for a second?
Listen, buddy, I like to be alone with my work,
so if you don't mind...
- Yeah.
- You got somethin' to do?
- Sure.
- Go do it, buddy, go do it.
Go do it.
(laughing)
Nice kid.
(heroic music)
(suspenseful music)
Whoops.
(mischievous music)
Weird.
(suspenseful music)
- You see anything?
- Forget it.
I'm not goin' up there.
Gramps can get his own damn skull.
- Come on, Charlie, Gramps said they went in here,
so don't wimp out on me now.
- Hey, buddy.
(screams)
Oh, scared ya, huh?
Relax.
- Oh, God, Bill, are you all right?
- Yeah, fine. Fine, fine.
- Who is this?
- Uh, Bill.
- Bill Towner, electrician.
- Charlie Coriell, entrepreneur.
- Uh, listen, fellas,
we got a little problem in the other room.
I think you'd better come have a look.
- Look, Bill, I'm sorry, but this really isn't a good time.
Why don't you pack it up and come back tomorrow?
- I think we better go in the other room and have a look.
(sighs)
Well, there it is.
Looks like you got some kind of alternate universe
in there or somethin'.
(ominous music)
- Thanks.
Come on, Charlie.
- [Charlie] Guess I'm next.
Jess, got any spiders in there?
'Cause you know I--
- You comin', Charlie?
- [Bill] Hey, I don't know you guys.
Look, that's an alternate dimension
in there or somethin' and...
- [Jesse] Incredible.
- Well, hold on a second, will ya?
I've been through this kinda thing before.
Just don't touch anything till I get there.
(heroic music)
Looks like you're gonna need the help of a professional.
(suspenseful music)
- You got a flashlight?
- Yeah.
(suspenseful music)
- [Jesse] You know something?
I'm incredibly scared right now.
- [Charlie] Don't be a fag, okay?
- [Jesse] Shh! Listen. (faint murmuring)
I think it's coming from over there.
(murmuring in foreign language)
(chanting in foreign language) (woman whimpering)
There it is.
- [Bill] Yep.
(speaking in foreign language) (woman whimpering)
Well, it's not gonna be easy.
(speaking in foreign language) (woman whimpering)
- They're not gonna sacrifice her, are they?
- Hey, Jess, now, now, is she a virgin?
Because I've never seen one before
and she's really dynamite, man.
(snickers)
(shouting in foreign language)
- Hey! (shouting in foreign language)
(grumbling)
No, no!
- [Charlie] Oh, boy.
(speaking in foreign language)
Well, hey, hey, come on, come on.
Well, I'm sorry, we thought
that she was somebody that we knew.
Go ahead, enjoy, it's okay.
(laughing)
(shouting in foreign language)
Watch this.
Woohoo!
(screaming)
(shouting in foreign language)
(grunting)
(screaming and shouting)
Whoa! Neat, huh?
(laughing)
(intense music)
(grunting)
Hey, you!
(grunting)
Thank you!
(screaming)
(clangs)
(clanging)
Come on, come on.
- [Jesse] Get her out of here.
Whoa!
(groans)
(shouting in foreign language)
- Jess!
(choking)
(groaning)
(screaming)
(sighs)
(shouting in foreign language)
- [Bill] Come on, get out of here.
I'll hold them off.
- Thing is, Billy, I don't remember which way.
- Just follow the string.
- Come on!
- Bill, come on.
- Don't worry about me.
(barbarian screams)
I gotta get home, my kid's little league night.
(screaming)
(groaning)
(clanging)
(suspenseful music)
- [Jesse] Where's Bill?
I don't see him.
- [Charlie] Go on!
Hey, Bill. All right!
- Oh, Charlie.
Good to see you back.
I started to get a little concerned here.
- Hey, hey, Bill, what are you doin' here?
- You know, you guys throw one heck of a party
and I'd really like to thank you for inviting me along.
Jess, it's been a pleasure
and miss, it was a pleasure to meet you.
Oh, and Jess, listen, if you need any more work done
just give me a call there, huh?
Take care, Charlie.
- [Charlie] See ya.
(heroic music)
Who was that man?
(sniffs)
(grumbling)
(squawking)
- Where the hell's the food?
- I'll go check.
(screeching)
- And tell him we're starvin'.
(barking)
- You know, I've been watchin' her
and she really likes you.
Seriously, she likes you.
- Come on, Charlie.
- I'm serious.
Watch.
Who do you like better, me or him?
Me, Charlie, fun, you know, crazy guy, nut,
or him?
(whacks)
I rest my case, Jess.
(whacks)
Ow!
- All right.
Well, if everybody's hungry let's dig in while it's hot.
- Uh, Jess, shouldn't we say grace?
You know, say a few nice words about God or whoever.
- Um...
(serene fiddle music)
All right, I guess I'd just like to...
thank everyone for their special contribution to the meal
and to say that I guess I think of all of you
as, well, my family now.
(purring)
(barking)
- That was well put, son.
Now, let's eat.
(squawks)
- Yeah.
(growling) (intense music)
(screeching)
(growling)
(intense music)
- Slim...
you low down weasel.
I've been waitin' for you.
- [Slim] Long time, partner.
(growls)
- [Gramps] Charlie!
He's mine.
I knew you'd catch up with me sooner or later.
(growls) (gunshot fires)
(screaming)
- Gramps!
(suspenseful music)
(shrieks)
(whimpering)
Gramps.
(shouts)
(crashing)
Charlie!
(screaming)
(dramatic music)
(groaning)
- After all this time...
he got me.
You're gonna need this.
He's the one that killed your ma and pa.
(suspenseful music)
(bangs)
(gun clicks)
(clinking)
(gun clicks)
(suspenseful music)
(glass shattering)
(groans)
(suspenseful music)
(muffled screaming)
- Oh, my God.
(muffled shouting)
Charlie!
(muffled shouting)
- Get out or he's gonna kill ya!
(suspenseful music)
(hooves clacking)
(growling)
(horse whinnying)
(suspenseful music)
(gunshots firing)
(growling)
(gunshot fires)
(growling)
(growls)
(gunshot fires)
(screaming)
(laughing) (screaming)
(glass shattering)
(suspenseful music)
(gun clacking)
(growling)
(spurs clinking)
(growls)
(gunshot fires)
(gunshots firing)
(glass shattering)
(gun clacks)
(suspenseful music)
- Jesse.
(gunshots firing) (groans)
(siren blaring)
- [Voiceover] You and you, come with me around back.
- [Voiceover] A possible sniper holdup
in the 175 Woodacre Drive--
- What's up, Eddy?
- Sheriff, we got a crazy in there
shootin' up the whole neighborhood.
- The old McLaughlin place.
- That's right.
We just found out who owns the place.
Jesse McLaughlin.
He's old Clarence's son.
Just moved in a couple of days ago.
- Clarence's son?
- Yeah.
- Well, he's movin' out tonight.
I'm gonna talk to that sucker.
His name was?
- Jesse.
- Jesse!
We have the place surrounded.
Why don't you come out peacefully
and give yourself up?
We don't want anybody to get hurt.
(intense music)
(groans)
(growling)
(suspenseful music)
(growling)
(suspenseful music)
(mystical music)
(dramatic music)
- [Slim] Now it's mine!
(blasts) (groans)
(gunshot fires)
- [Voiceover] Get down!
Hold your fire!
- What the hell's goin' on in there?
(groaning)
(gunshots firing)
(groaning)
(gun clacking)
(gunshot fires)
(dramatic music)
- [Voiceover] Hold your fire!
(gentle music)
- Did you blow his head off?
(panting)
(chuckling)
That's a good boy.
(chuckling)
I thought for sure he's kick your ass.
(chuckling)
But I didn't let on though, did I, son?
- [Jesse] No, no, you didn't, Gramps.
(coughing)
- This is it, kid.
(groaning) - You're not gonna die.
The skull's right here.
- Oh, it don't make no difference no more, son.
I've done all I can do in this world...
and it's time to move on.
- No, no, don't.
- You get what you want from this old skull.
I got somethin' real special.
I got to meet my great-great-grandson
and had a hell of a time.
You figure what you want...
and then...
get rid of the God damn thing.
- [Jesse] No.
Come on.
Come on, Gramps.
Hold on.
Hold on, Gramps.
I love you, Gramps.
- I love you too, Jesse.
(bittersweet fiddle music)
- Jesse, this is your last chance.
Come out with your hands up!
I'm gonna count to 10
and then we're coming in firing.
(suspenseful music)
One...
- [Voiceover] There's something in the window!
- [Sheriff] Two...
(intense music)
Three...
Four...
Five....
Six...
Seven...
(suspenseful music)
Eight...
(gasps)
Nine. (gunshot fires)
(groans)
- [Voiceover] Take cover! Sheriff's down!
(gunshot fires)
(gunshots firing)
(gasps)
(gunshots firing)
- [Voiceover] We need backup!
(gunshots firing)
(fire rumbling)
(mystical music)
(gunshots firing)
- [Voiceover] Keep firing!
(shouting) (gunshots firing)
(squawking)
(whining)
(barking softly)
(mystical music)
(serene music)
(barking)
(adventurous western music)
- [Jesse] Hyah!
(energetic bluegrass music)